


You Had Me At Hello

by jovaine



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 17:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3455909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jovaine/pseuds/jovaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times someone called at an inconvenient time (and he actually answered the phone so it's his fault anyway) - Clint Barton, A Story</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Had Me At Hello

**Author's Note:**

> [Prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/19994.html?thread=49023514#t49023514)
> 
> I'm the one who writes terrible haikus, not Tony.

_  
A Stark phone for each_

_Use or incur Tony’s wrath_

_Things might just go boom_

 

* * *

 

Tony’s utterly terrible haiku writing skills aside, each of the Avengers had prudently decided that it was better to at least keep their own Stark phone on hand just in case it did explode (or worse) if Tony found out that they were not making full use of his gift.

 

So it was with great annoyance that Clint decided to answer the call, albeit after much cursing and grumbling and hunting through all the odds and ends in his briefcase.

 

“Clint, are you joining us for dinner? We’re getting pizza”.

 

Clint glanced over the platform to give his handiwork an admiring glance. “’Fraid not, Steve, I’ve got mafia guy over here hanging by his ankles over a vat of acid. This moron’s giving me everything. And I haven’t even started pulling his fingernails out yet”.

 

“Hmm… we’ll send the pizza to you, then,” Steve replied nonchalantly. “Ask mafia guy what he likes on his pizza”.

 

“Hang on a second,” Clint said, and paused. “Pun so intended”.

 

Steve hummed a tune to himself as he listened to the muffled sounds on Clint’s end, picking up a pen to add ‘icing sugar’, ‘rib-eye steak’ and ‘milk milk’ to the shopping list taped on the refrigerator door.

 

“He said he likes pepperoni with extra cheese,” Clint said, just as he was dotting the ‘i’ in the second ‘milk’.

 

“All right, see you at training tomorrow,” said Steve. “Tony’s already got your coordinates”.

 

The pizzas arrived right before the thirty minute mark; bread sticks, chicken wings and onion rings included. But with no drinks in sight.

 

“Damn it, Steve”.

 

* * *

 

“Barton, why is your ass still not on the helicarrier? The newbies you’re supposed to be leading on the recon mission in Sydney arrived a full five hours ago,” Hill said, sounding sufficiently irritated.

 

“Right, about that...” Clint muttered.

 

“Do I need to send Coulson to wherever you are to pick you up?”

 

“No!”

 

“Why exactly are you whispering, Barton?”

 

“Well, I may or may not be in the middle of a bank robbery right now”.

 

“Right, and are you robbing the bank, crouching behind a chair trying to look as small as possible, or huddling in a corner shouting ‘help, help’?”

 

“Um... option two,” Clint replied, wincing at how everything sounded worst when delivered in Hill’s deadpan tone.

 

"How many robbers are there?"

 

"Three in the bank. One more in the getaway car outside".

 

“Fantastic. Do you need step by step instructions on how exactly to deal with this situation?”

 

“Of course not, I just thought that it would be nice to let the local police force do their job. Need I remind you how much paperwork I’m going to have to do if I get involved? I fucking hate paperwork. In fact, I demand to take the day off”.

 

“Your plane leaves in an hour, Agent Barton”.

 

“Great”.

 

* * *

 

“What do you think of platinum blonde with pink streaks? Or chestnut brown with violet streaks?” Natasha asked the moment he answered her call.

 

“How about honey pink with sea green streaks?”

 

“Clint, you’re eighty percent deaf, not eighty percent colour blind,” Natasha replied flatly. “I’m at the hair salon. I’m going to have to make up my mind in the next one minute or so”.

 

“Natasha,” Clint said, dragging out the last syllable of her name. “I’d love to help you with your beauty conundrums, but I’m currently having some of the best sex in my life and seriously? Your timing sucks big time”.

 

“Ooh, why didn’t you say so earlier? You’re going to have to tell me all about it tomorrow. Enjoy yourself, darlin’,” Natasha drawled, before the line clicked off.

 

Clint threw his Stark phone onto his shirt which had landed near the doorway and turned to the person above him. “Sorry ‘bout that”.

 

* * *

 

Clint was just wondering whether he had any more spare batteries for his torchlight when his Stark phone rang and he answered it reflexively. He will later curse himself for having put it in his pocket in the first place.

 

“So, Clint, buddy, pal, my favourite Avenger, how you doing?” Tony said winningly.

 

Clint frowned. “What is it, pal?”

 

“Just curious, how good are you at picking the locks on handcuffs?”

 

“That depends”.

 

“It’s just that I’ve just sorta handcuffed myself? And I can’t find the key. And I found out that they cancelled my favourite cartoon and I’ve lost the mood to invent anything. Could you just pop over here and help me? I’ll pay you with burgers and milkshakes”.

 

“You’re such a drama queen, Tony. This isn’t some bedroom thing gone wrong, is it? Are you naked? Is Pepper with you?”

 

“No Clint, it’s still in the experimental stage, so can you come or do I have to call someone else? I was so hoping that I wouldn’t have to resort to calling Natasha. She’d probably file this as blackmail material”.

 

“OK, so you’re naked. Do you know what I’m doing right now? I’m in the middle of catching the caterpillars which have been eating all my fucking sage and tomatoes. But yeah, I’ll go over, and I’m going to take lots of pictures”.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Clint, would you mind picking up some green tea on your way back?”

 

“Sure, but you’re going to have to wait a bit, Bruce,” said Clint. “I’m driving down the middle of nowhere at the moment and the guys in the car behind me are trying to blow me up with a bazooka”.

 

“That’s fine. I’d prefer loose tea leaves rather than tea bags, if you don't mind,” Bruce replied. “By the way, Natasha asked me to inform you that you’re a wimp and that it’s a M16, not a bazooka”.

 

“Oh, that makes me feel so much better, thanks Natasha,” Clint said, rolling his eyes and taking a hard right, causing his borrowed car to fishtail alarmingly.

 

“Steve suggested that you take a left two miles down the path you’re currently on, followed by a right and an immediate left another one mile after that. There’ll be a river further down the road, and you should be able to come up with something after that,” Bruce relayed dutifully.

 

“Tell them that it’s their turn to cook dinner tonight and it better not be fish”.

 

* * *

 

“Clint is not answering his phone,” Thor shouted over the commotion, tossing a Doombot into a building.

 

“Nice of him not to answer when Doom decides to drop by for an unfriendly visit,” Tony shouted back, blasting two bots at once.

 

“It’s probably revenge,” Natasha commented casually, as she jumped off Steve’s shield.

 

“He’s probably on his farm playing Assassin’s Creed while his phone is stuck in between the sofa cushions or something,” Steve said, watching Natasha’s trajectory before throwing his shield at a bot that was rushing towards him.

 

“Bet you a ten,” Bruce said, before turning away, clothes ripping as he grew in size.


End file.
